Often times when I leave David I worry that I haven't said enough, done enough or gone often enough...... For me a sad and guilty feeling.
I had a dream this week; David was well!!!!! We were in heaven (I don't know what heaven looked like, I should have looked around) but I did feel that it was heaven. I expressed to David my sadness that I didn't feel like I've done enough for him. He smiled the sweetest smile and said he knew every time I was there.....that was the end of my dream, .........but that was enough.
Today when I was sitting next to him, holding his milk shake and putting the straw in his mouth, his eyes looked into my eyes; this seldom happens. His eyes are always looking away.
When our eyes locked together, I kept smiling a big smile and talking to him. The next thing I see are tears rolling down his cheeks.
What to say.....what to say!!
My prayer is always that he doesn't know or remember.....his tears today have left me feeling so sad.
However, I Must remember my dream at the beginning of the week..
And I Do know that God is good!!!!
This picture was taken the weekend before I took him to AlzCare.
December 2011.
31 comments:
That was a sweet dream. Such things are gifts from God, especially because of the comforting nature of the dream. And the tears...well tears, all of them, are precious to the Lord. You are handling this just as well as anyone possibly could. Keep looking up. Much love...
hope you keep having those sweet dreams....he is so lucky to have you...
Delores, I have followed your blog for a good while now but only rarely comment. Sometimes I have no words to respond to the depth of your posts and of what you are going through. You are doing a truly wonderful job in this heartbreaking situation. It makes me sad to think that you doubt yourself on that. What a wonderful gift that dream is to you--hold onto it tight. It is a confirmation for you. And David's tears . . . perhaps they were tears expressing his love for you. Blessings to you, Becky
Hi darling, what a sweet sweet dream. I too feel the same way at times. This morning was a prime example, Mr. P was sitting at the breakfast table not responding, staring blankly into outer space, I kept trying to get him to answer me.. he would not, I finally asked if he wanted me to leave him alone, and he looked me in the eyes and said yes. I was so crushed. I know it's not him it's the mean disease, the hurt is still there just the same. A while later he was fine and for the most part as fine as he can be for the rest of the day..I admire you being able to share this with all of us, I don't feel quite so alone after reading your blog.. thanks for the sweet compliment today, it truly touched my heart, needed at a very low time.. love ya hugs ~lynne~
What a range of emotions - from dream to reality to back again. From Heaven on Earth to the Heaven beyond, you are an Angel to your dear husband. And to all of your readers, as well. I think of you every day. LR
Oh Dolores, Your dream was just what you needed and maybe from David himself. I know EXACTLY what you mean about the guilty feelings. I took care of my mom for 5 years but when she passed away I could NOT get over feeling like I hadn't done enough, hadn't done it right, etc., etc. YOU ARE DOING THE BEST YOU CAN and I know it is what is right. David may have had the tears cause he couldn' THANK YOU for all you have done. He is in there somewhere, just can't express it. Keep talking to him.YOur love and devotion are a HUGE inspiration. XOXO, Pinky
Perhaps David's tears were tears of love...he does not speak and this may be his way of telling you that he loves you and knows you are there. I pray you continue to have your sweet dreams. Dolores, you are a wonderful, dedicated wife. You are, also, God's child and He has taught you well. You and David are always in my prayers.
How sweet.....and then how sad! Brought tears to my eyes! I know you are the biggest blessing to him!! You always are to me from miles away, so I know you are to him each time you spend with him. Don't think you're not enough, remember YOU ARE and each time just enjoy those times and special memories! Think of you often, praying for you and David! Hugs to you, my friend!
Hold on tight to those sweet dreams!!! Sending prayers all the way from Tennessee!!!
Hold on to that dream and don't let it go. You are doing the best you can for him - he knows it and God knows it.
Anon here.. never commented but this compelled me. When my mom was sick in the hospital (dying from ovarian cancer), I was sitting beside her bed and she was barely talking to anyone anymore. I heard her barely saying my dad's name. It was slurred and couldnt hardly understand her. I called my dad over and told him to lean in close to her, she started repeating his name in that slurred voice. Dad just started weeping and grabbed her up into a hug. In my heart, throughout all the chemo and radiation, I know she still knew us and loved us. I fully believe that was the only way she could tell him she loved him and wanted him to know that. I know it's so hard to watch a loved one slip away. I have to believe those tears were David telling you he loved you and knew you loved him back.
Saying a prayer for you and David tonight. God really is good.
Btw, I've lost both my parents by now, I have dreams of them in Heaven and seeing them again. I think of the dreams as gifts and I think your dream was absolutely lovely.
David's tears I think is trying to tell you that he knows how much you love and care for him and that he feels the same way and is just so sad that he cannot take care of you like you take care of him. The dream is God's way of telling you we are all going to be together up there someday where everybody is perfect and happy with no sickness. How nice that you can experience it even just for a moment in a dream. Take care, Dolores....Christine
I agree with the others that tears can be from a deep love and gratitude as well as sadness. My husband cried during our vows at our wedding because of love. Just as God is sustaining your tender heart I am SURE He is comforting David's as well. Praise God that your eyes locked and you were able to give him an opportunity to express his emotions, whatever they are. That ministers to him in a very special way.
Praying for your strength as you keep "moving forward"
Dearheart - what a sweet and wonderful dream, the fact that you didn't "look around" but had your twinkling eyes upon David continues to say much for the love you hold so dear for him. Tears of joy to know that you are well, able to smile and still think of and love him. Tears of blessing straight from the Heavens. God bless my dear. Continuing to keep you and David close to my heart and in my prayers. Shelley
Such a beautiful entry, Dolores. You and David have come a long way together, learning to love ever better....
Nancy
What a wonderful dream. I'm so sorry you or anyone has to go through this. I did loss my mother to Alz. You know David loves you so much. He is so lucky to have you and his family and friends.
Just the right words each week as you carefully chronicle your moving forward. You give me tears often with your writing.
Do you feel safe at home? Do people check on you? I know you do have wonderful friends and family. Hope you call them over to sit with you or go out when you are sad.Thanks in the middle of your sorrow for also writing on the blogs of many of us. So thoughtful.
Hugs and prayers,
Carol
That most definitely qualifies as a "pleasant dream". I hope the memory of that dream will bring you comfort in the sadder moments. We never like to see our loved ones cry, especially when they can't find the words to tell us their thoughts.
I have no doubts that David is aware of the loving care you are showing to him every day.
Keeping you both close in thought.
Hugs.
H I hate it that you have to wonder if he really does know where he is and what he is going through. Luckily it is not an everyday reality for him. A little blessing.
It's nice when you dream of heaven! Every time I dream of heaven, I am with my long-lost pets, dogs, cats and even a kangaroo that I rescued.
Dolores, your dream was a gift! Remember that a time will come when God wipes away all tears!!
I feel the same way, how could I ever do enough for this precious man that I call Daddy? Since I can never do what I would feel is enough for him, I do the best that I can do.
when I read your posts, I wish that I were there to talk with you, cry with you and hug you. You are so right, God is good! God is still good! God is always good!!!! No matter how bad and truly horrid this disease is, God is still good!!!!!
Do not let those negative thoughts enter your mind, you ARE doing your best for him. Let nothing steal your joy that you experienced because of your dream. Keeping you and yours in prayer.
What a Truly Wonderful "dream" you had...I think of them as visions.
They Are real!
(((HUG)))
Hi Dolores,
I think that maybe your angels were speaking to you in your dream. Reassuring you that not only does David know every time you have been there for him, but the Lord does and He is so pleased with you.
You are so many people's inspiration, especially David's. Please don't be sad, know that you always do the right thing, and you are one of the most dedicated wives I know.
Karen
Answered prayer~ you received a priceless gift! A dream reminding you you'll be together in Heaven and he looked at you, yes, answered prayer.
What a wonderful dream.
Why do we feel guilty when we're doing the best we possibly can? That's all we can do. I think David is very fortunate to have a wife like you. He's truly been blessed.
I just hope and pray you're remembering to take care of yourself too.
Dolores, what a wonderful dream! I am so glad that it came to you, because you deserve to receive confirmation that you have done everything you could possibly have done for your beloved David. That includes taking care of him at home for as long as humanly possible, and also recognizing the right time to seek additional help at Alzcare. Take comfort in that dream - you deserve it.
Love
Gilda
Dolores..you are over the top with your care and love for David...never ever doubt that! What I think you might be is a wee bit tired...you need a break of a day or two or three...re-charge yourself.
Hello dear sweet lady. Sorry I've been gone MIA. Oh, this made me cry, too. Dolores, I know the Lord sent you that sweet sweet dream. Your David still loves you - he just can't express himself anymore. What a comforting dream straight from heaven! I think of you so often and I know and the Lord knows that you are doing everything you can and MORE for David. You have been a loving and faithful wife in times of good and bad .... and in health and in sickness... til death do you part. I believe he feels your love there with him. Please take care of yourself, too.
Dear dear Dolores....I cry whenever I read your words. I could have written this exact post you wrote about David, about my mom. The exact same feelings....the eye-lock, the tears. I pray, as I did for my mom, that he knows in his heart the good, loving wife you are. I'm most certain he does. And pray he forgets the 'bad' stuff!!! You are continually in my thoughts and prayers. I SO admire your love and strength...as a wife...as a woman...as the amazing person that you are, Dolores. xoxoxoxoxox
A God-breathed dream for sure. I believe you had a glimpse of what is to come. What a comfort. What a gift. Priceless.
Love is the ONLY thing we take from this world to the next. You and David have a treasure trove awaiting you. Eternity beckons.
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