David mumbles and talks a lot to himself; I sometimes think he's talking to me, and when I say, "what?"....he says,"I'm talking to myself "...... or........ he gets angry and says he isn't talking to me, and I say, ....... "whatever!"
Paranoia and hallucinations have become a part of our daily life. I've always hated (not suppose to hate anything)..... but some things are just deeper than dislike..... I hate Alzheimer's, paranoia and hallucinations. Okay, I said it..... sorry!
I try my best to be positive in most of my post, but ....as you know, I'm human, and some days/weeks...... I'm overwhelmed.
I'm very blessed that David continues loving his classic country channel. He feels that he's a part of their music.....he cries, he laughs, and he claps his hands continuously when he's listening/watching channel 431.
I look at our 'old' pictures, trying to remember the good times...... and hoping the 'not so good days' will someday be a blur in my memory, and fade away.
God has blessed us in so many ways.... so much for my 'pity party'......
37 comments:
I disagree with many people that pity parties are to be avoided. Sometimes we need them. It's okay.
Anything you write about your feelings of this hideous disease is certainly not a pity party. You are entitled to your moments of venting, so please don't be hard on yourself, my dear friend.
I'm here to listen, I told you once and I'm telling you again, you have all the right to feel upset, in fact, as often as you want!! Thank you for venting with us, we understand, you're not made of wood. Hope David sleeps well tonight, this way you will too. Lots of hugs. FABBY
So sorry you are overwhemed right now, Dolores. But we need to focus on the positive side, right? Thanks for stopping by and please take care!...Christine
Hey Dolores - it's okay to have a pity-party sometimes. If we were perfect, we wouldn't need the Lord. He will sustain you, and in those weak moments just know that we're all in this together, my friend. Go ahead and pout a little bit, shed a few tears - it's a good stress reliever. Take a bubble bath and talk to the Lord, and things will hopefully look better tomorrow and your strength will return. Lifting you up in prayer...
I say - Have a pity party every time you want and when you want!!! Everyone gets down and you sure have had enough negativity going on the last few years. Knowing you...you will be over it by tomorrow or the next day and you will be your wonderful self again. Is someone still coming in to stay with David now and then? I hope you are able to get out and have some good, fun moments. You see, Dolores, I admire you so much. You are so brave. I really don't think I could endure what you do. Maybe I could because I love my husband but you seem to handle things so well and I know even if you have "down" days ..you will snap right back to yourself again. I am praying for you. I an sending good wishes to a fine, sweet lady!
Blessings to you and David....
Susannah
I agree with the others! Have your pity party. You're a strong woman, but you have every right to feel sad sometimes. You can't always hold it all in! And everyone expects it. It certainly doesn't make you seem bad or weak. It makes you all the stronger!! When you get those sad feelings out then you can think about better happier things.
Sending a hug - I found the talking really made me kind of uncomfortable and I, too, sometimes thought Wayne was talking to me.
sometimes a good old fashioned pity party is just what the Doctor ordered....you deserve it girl....
Hope you're feeling better today!!! Vent...we're all ears out here and it always helps to share your feelings!!! Maybe you need a day off???
You are SO entitled to a pity party and you just unload on us all you want!! Anytime you want!! We love you and wish we could take some of the burden away for you but those of us who have gone through it are right there with you every step of the way. Hugs.... Latane
Dolores, you are too hard on yourself. Have a pity party, a good cry, a hissy fit....it truly does help relieve the stress. Both you and David are in my prayers...I will call soon and look for an email. Big hugs sent to you!
I agree with all the others. You are completely entitled to hate Alzheimer's and all of the negative things that go along with it. I do understand as I so remember these same feelings when my mom was going through it.
So, please vent away ... anytime you feel like it. We do wish we could ease your burden, but at the very least we want you to know that we care about you.
Hugs,
Kim
Memories, sometimes we would love to forget some. I pray the good days will out shine the bad and continued negative changes. But by the grace of GOD I dont see how you do it on a daily basis. IT has to be LOVE and GOD's strength that gets you through. Much Prayer!
You totally deserve to 'vent', especially, with these terrible changes, you see in David. You would not be human if it didn't bother you..so sorry for your pain and distress. It just can't be easy. We all wish we could relieve your stress. xoxo
I love that you have such fond memories of the past. Love the pictures you posted...so sweet.
If hatred would kill alzheimers it would have been dead a long time ago. I don't think you're having a pity party so much as you are airing your feelings about the situation, and I think it comes with the territory. You write so many good and positive posts, and you praise so often. But there are those days.......get it out! And then start over.
Deb
Pity Parties are a MUST young Lady!!!Hahaaaa....I have one on ocassion! And you know What?? It's Also OK to Hate this enemy! This is Not from God....
SO! All Together!
I HATE THIS DISEASE!!!!!
And Any other dreadful thing that takes our loved ones from us...ratbastards...Hahaaa...I saw you smile!
Love you BabyDoll!!!
(((HUG)))
While taking care of my dad my mantra is "It is a honor and a privelige". Most days that works...a few days it doesn't. On the days that it doesn't I know I need to step away from it for a bit...and I do. Afer a hour, an afternoon...and yes sometimes a day or two I come back and I am on track again...I encourage you to do this...call on your friends...find a good caretaker for the day...at this point you must think of yourself just a bit in order to continue. thinking of you each day...
I think it's perfectly OK to hate things...like diseases. You wouldn't be human if you didn't have a pity party from time to time. I can't imagine being there 24/7 and doing all that you do. I wouldn't worry about hating Alzheimer's. You're not alone.
not suppose to say "Damn it!" either.
and I'm not saying sorry.
I hurt for you, and a little for me.
Pity party on! A good cry and a wail do me a world of good. I don't even go to the shower anymore.
you are forever in my thoughts and prayers.
Judi
I'm so very sorry you have to be going through this, Dolores. I guess God never said this would be easy, but sometimes we just want to scream, "Okay! Enough already". You can come here to scream anytime. You have supportive, caring friends here. If they didn't want to support you...they wouldn't be reading your beautiful blog. For the record: Pity Parties are part of life. We all have them. xoxoxoxoxo
You have every right to feel blue some days. It's only normal...we are only human. Thinking of you. Hugs, Deb=^..^=x4
Counting your blessings are easier on some days than others, that's for sure. Some days you just have to give in and wallow in some self pity, cry yourself sick in the shower, sleep and then carry on.
Dolores,
I'm sorry I missed this (blame the new blogger dashboard).
I can't imagine what you must be dealing with. Thank God for RFD-TV, but that doesn't help YOU.
I hope that you're still getting out occasionally. I think you can rest assured that we all hate Alzheimer's, hallucinations and paranoia. It's a struggle daily to keep from being overwhelmed.
I hope you have help now too. You know I'm always around (email-wise, since we're miles apart) if you want to vent.
love you,
barbara
It's so good to be transparent and honest, my dear friend. It's the best way to help someone else. Who would love paranoia and hallucinations? Feel free to hate them and I'll hate them right along with you. Much love to you and your beloved. I know that what he is experiencing now isn't what you'd hoped for, it isn't what anyone would wish, but the real David is in there and you will know him for eternity. Here's to a better week ahead. Love seeing the pictures from your stack of treasures.
I think music is a good remedy for any kind of "disease"... It helps in more way then others. And i think your just fine and yes perfectly normal to have off days. i would be surprised if you always where positive! ;-)
Leontien
just reading this post has enlightened me to this disease, as well as those around the victim taking notice of the transformation. thank you. it's beautiful. your love for david saturates every word.
nice to meecha. here from helen's place.
Dolores, It's perfectly fine for you to vent whenever you feel it necessary. I read once that it's a good idea to write down everything you feel and when done you can burn it or simply throw it away. It's good mental therapy and seems to work. Whenever I have a problem that's what I do, write it down, actually I type it then just toss it and sure enough does make me feel better. Hugs...Lu
You are not having a pity party~ the thing I have experienced with this disease is that not only are our loved ones experiencing a nightmare...we are along for the ride. And it is so important to be able to express how your feeling~ get it out and process it...wallow in it; it is all good because this is what is going to keep you sane and able to be David's advocate. God knows your heart and love you have for your husband; so don't feel guilty..and I can say this as a person who felt guilty frequently with grandma. This disease robs of and our loved ones of many things but not our memories that we have with them and it can not take away our love for them or their love for us.
Love, blessings and a big hug!
Vikki
Bless your heart, Dolores. These hallucinations must be awful. Can you ask David who he is speaking to?
Always remember there is a Caregiver in heaven for you and much love ann prayers are sent your way. We are on this journey with you and grateful that you share your burdens with us.
Carol
Aunt D, I hope Uncle David is having a good day today. Just thought I would tell you how absolutely happy I was the other day to talk to him and hear him sound so good....he is just the SWEETEST man I know! It put me on a high for the rest of the day!!!
Love you!!!
L~
Hi sweet Dolores,
I am glad you liked our bathroom, to bad i already painted it ;-)
i hope you have a good week with your hubby and family! I'll be thinking about you
Leontien
Oh Dolores.. I can so relate to your feelings. Some weeks are just harder than others.
Did you ever read 'one thousand gifts'? I'm almost thinking I need to read it again. I think I'm going to take up counting my blessings I am thankful for and writing them down to get a hold of my heart attitudes.
Thank you for being transparent.
This makes me sad for both of you, but mostly you.David can't remember what he has lost and how he has changed, yet you are living with the solid evidence and result of his memory loss every day, all day. David is blessed beyond words to have you as his wife, my prayers are for you.The poem you quoted in the previous post is so true.Although this seems cliche' to say, God does not give us more than we are able to bear, but sometimes bearing what He gives us SEEMS unbearable.
You are more than entitled to a pity party! My FIL used to kinda do a grunt, over and over and over for hours at a time. God only knows what happens in their minds during this disease. XO, Pinky
It is good for you to get it off your chest. Let it out. There is nothing to like about Alz's. I hate it too. Mom went throw this stage. She had talks with my dad I think. And he has been gone for 21yrs. I guess it is good she could talk to him. But I still hate it. Hate !Hate! Hate!!! I feel better now . Hope you do too.
Mum has quite bad hallucinations and paranoia. They terrify her. Yesterday she believed that my brother had come to see her at night and there was a scene and the nurses threw him out. It may be her way of explaining to herself why he never comes to visit and never rings. But she has been driving my daughter and I nuts by ringing us over and over, all upset about this terrible incident where my brother was told to leave the nursing home.
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