Each evening we cool off in our pool. I tread water for 45 minutes...... easy exercise. One night at 8:00 it was 101 degrees. I'm so thankful for our pool.
When we're in the pool I 'try' to engage David in questions/answers.... Some days are better than others, which made me start thinking how much I miss our talks.
As I was treading water, I was thinking of what I miss .........
I really miss the comfort he gave me of feeling safe. He would always know the right thing to say or do if I had a fear or problem.
Before Alzheimer's, he never missed a night giving me a kiss and saying he loved me. That's a thing of the past.......
I miss seeing him watch the news and remarking on whatever was going on in politics.
I miss him reading books and newspapers.
I miss him driving...... Oh, how I miss him driving!!!!
I'm tired of being in charge of every aspect of our life and trying to keep everything calm, so he won't get upset.
Enough negative! On the positive side, several days ago I ask him my name, he said, "Dolores" and then he said "and Sweetie." Actually, he never called me Dolores, he's always called me 'Sweetie' ....
He still enjoys going for rides in the car each morning and afternoon.
He still sweeps our patio, listens to his classic country channel ....clapping his hands. He still loves to play big pink ball in the pool.
Most of the time he's a kind and gentle man.
I know I am blessed, but I sure do miss David before Alzheimer's invaded his brain.
34 comments:
Oh Dolores, my heart goes out to you. I know you miss your David before. You just have to hang on to those memories of him. That's so sweet that he always called you Sweetie - and he still remembers your name. I know he must have been a wonderful husband and partner and friend and I know that you miss him so much. Sending up a prayer for you this morning, my friend. Sounds like you could use one. I hope it's a good day for you guys...
Sending hugs...I know it must be so difficult and glad that you have so many good memories to hold on to.
My husbands' mom has the same struggles and this weekend Gary drove to Kitchener to move her from one nursing home to a better one. She will be very happy there. She made it to our son's wedding in June but does not remember being there. We gave her many beautiful pictures, some with her in them to try to help her memory but we know it only helps for a moment. She seems so happy though and we are so grateful that she has loving family and friends close by that visit her often. She is always included every Sunday and every celebration that arises. I understand your feelings. Gary goes through this too. He wishes his mom was her old self and he could sit and chat and know that she had the ability to remember but it's what we all been handed and we are thankful for the good moments. Stay strong and make time for you and your friends to get together. You need the balance in your life now. Hugs, Deb=^..^=x4
Oh Dolores, my heart goes out to you. It has to be incredibly hard (& sad) to watch your dear husband lose so many of the things that made him who he was. I'm glad to hear that he does still remember who his "Sweetie" is.
101 at 8:00 ~ yikes that is way too hot. Glad you are able to keep cool in your beautiful pool. My chiropractor was reminding me recently how good water exercise is for the joints. I was doing a bit of treading water in the lake on Sunday. Our lake feels more like a bathtub right now :D.
Hugs,
Kim
In speaking of the negative side of this disease you are just venting the frustration and anger you feel, this is good to get off your chest, not good to keep it all bottled inside. In doing so you are sharing and helping us to understand what you are going through so we may help in some way lighten your heart with our words. Express yourself in anyway you see fit as we understand (may not fully understand) the trials you face each day and the joys of the moment.
He calls you "sweetie", how heart touching is that. I do pray GOD will increase these good days and they will out shine the negative ones.
GOD keep you in his care and we lift you all up to the lord.
Sweetie, what a dear name, you have certainly lost a lot through this. I hope that it helps when you think that you will regain it all, and so much more, one day. You hadn't mentioned the sweeping lately so I am glad to see David still doing his part to keep the patio clean. You stay so positive and that is a gift you give David, your family, and yourself. Much love to you both...
I'm so happy you have a pool!!! I wish I had one...but I'd have to leave the ac long enough to get in it and I don't think I would.
Get every ounce of pleasure you possibly can!!! Stay positive and keep blogging...you're grieving...it's completely normal!!!
Have a wonderful day!!!
Just caught with all your posts...I do so love seeing your beautiful photos! I love all kinds of photos but people photos are my favorite...they tell a beautiful story of your lives...well lived and well loved lives...beautiful children who I know are so loved and loving but most of all...I enjoy the unending love between you and David. I only wish you could see all of this from my perspective---it would amaze you.
...and I'm cursing that terrible disease that has made my beautiful friends' lives so ...difficult and painful.
Just know that I think and pray for you!!!
What a beautiful picture of David by the pool...you would think from this pic, that nothing was happening! You have such wonderful memmories, that we should all keep, because one day one of us will need to remember them, to keep living and you're my inspiration, dear Dolores, as God must've want me to be blessed to know you, even if it is virtually...but REAL! Always in my prayers. Love, FABBY
Dolores,
I keep learning from you and appreciating the early stage of Alzheimer's that my husband has. Thanks for opening up with this post.
I can't say two sentences to my husband, but he can say a lot of sentences to me. His prayers are beautiful. He does say to me, "You aren't making sense." I let that remark roll off my back and try again to communicate.
Your relationship with David is a fine testament to the enduring love that is between you and him.
Hugs and prayers to Sweetie and David,
Carol
Wow, you nailed it right on. At least we have memories of wonderful, take charge men who love us! Sending a hug.
I understand what you are saying. I spent time with my mom when she was well advanced with alzheimers. I was just beginning to have kids and often wanted to ask her advice, but she wasn't able to remember. I missed calling her up and talking to her. It was as if my mom just got up and left one day and this stranger were left in her place. I missed her so much!
David remembers a great deal but he's not taking on any new info. I hope he remembers your name "Sweetie" for a long time.
How I love to see the cool waters of your pool! I know how you keep your youthful figure! :D
What a touching post, Dolores. I'm so sorry about all the things that have changed in your life. But I know that you are a strong and smart woman, and you have an amazing ability to face the worst that life can throw at you, yet still find something to be thankful for. You are a very special lady, and I am honoured to be your blogging friend.
Gilda
Oh Dolores, This post just touched my heart! I can only imagine how it feels. It must be awful to have to always 'be in charge' and make 'all decisions'. But it does sound like, most of the time, David is a sweet man. And calling you'Sweetie"? That is just so heart rendering and special. I sincerely hope this week is better than good for you. I love your blog, Dolores and I respect you so much. You are a sweet and wonderful woman.
There is no denying it, Delores, you have it rough. We don't blame you for your feelings. You are doing an amazing job of being a wife, caretaker, friend, chauffer, bill payer, cook, maid, I know you sometimes find the dependency overwhelming and tiring. Sending prayers and good wishes your way. David does a good job of keeping the patio area clean.
I can imagine how much you miss the old David, Dolores but you are doing such a good job in taking care of him. God knew you could meet the challenge. You asked how I do it, I just keep going and going until I am done. Laura, your niece calls me "Christine Machine", lol..Christine
Oh, honey (or should I say, "Sweetie"?): My heart breaks for you. The sense of loss you have is very real.
The emotional connection, the ability to defer to David's wisdom and knowledge, the outward displays of love and affection, the sharing of life's burden's and joys ... nothing is the same as it was.
Sending you my affection and prayers tonight. XO
What a blessing that David knows his 'sweetie'!! Sorry you are hurting it is such a tough situation...you are always so positive but sometimes I know you hurt so much inside. I am glad that you can share that with us. It is a good example for all of us. Enjoy your times in the pool to cool off....sure glad it's not that hot here!
((((HUG))))
The "real" David IS still in there sweet friend! Our "meat filled Containers are Spirit Packed!"
(heard a woman say this one time...)
You can be "negative" ALL you want! We love you all the more for your honesty Sweet Friend!!!
Holding you up in Love and prayer!
hughugs
Much love and tons of hugs because I know your longing, your wanting and wishing that things could be like they were. I am so thankful that David still knows his sweetie. He's in there reaching out the only way he knows to let you know he loves you still.
I found with my Dad I did my mourning in bits and pieces as he slowly faded away. It's sad because you always think of how things used to be. Every once in a while my Dad would surprise me and I'd see that old twinkle in his eye when he'd think something was funny. It was like a flash from the past. I enjoyed those moments. Alzheimer's is difficult to watch. Do you still have someone coming in to give you a break?
Hi my sweet Dolores, Sorry I have not been over to visit and ask about David just been busy with the party I got into, about Bloggers working spaces. I just read your "I Miss" you know what? I know exactly what you mean cause some of those things I also miss in my husband. With the stroke he is a complete invalid and I have to do everything, plus make decisions and drive. God help us.
Blessings your way...Lu
I can only imagine what you're going through. Hard to miss what you once had....I think it's great that you're getting your feelings out amongst all of us who love you. Just keep expressing yourself because we're all here for you and have complete and total empathy.
I love you Aunt D!!!!! :-)
L~
You have every right to be tired! You are taking on quite a heavy load. This is such a horrible disease. I always try to remind myself that our loved ones are very much still there - they are just stuck behind the heavy veil of Alzheimer's.
Hugs,
Karla
I've said this before, Dolores...but you're one of God's special angels~
David is lucky to have you...and I know you know you are lucky to have him. I cried when I read that you miss the feeling of security he gave you. Watching my mom go through this...I often try to relate it to my Jim: if HE had this disease...and the feeling of security is one I would truly miss.
I'm so glad you are journaling all this on your blog. You are giving me, for one...and many others...a glimpse of what we may each someday face. I pray I can face it with the grace that you have~
xoxoxoxox
Oh Dolores, my heart just breaks for you! I try to put myself in your place and know I would miss the very same things. We have been married 43 years and I can't imagine "losing" my Joe like that, and having him right beside me. I could cry when I think of what you are going through. I pray God gives you the strength you need. XOXO, Pinky
{{{{{Dolores}}}}} Your love and care for David, for better or worse, in sickness and in health, is a wonderful testimony of your faithfulness and God's enduring love in your marriage. I think of you often. I am always glad to see an update on your blog. Know there are many out here in blogland who read and care and pray. ~~Rhonda
I would like to offer a bit of perspective from the other side of the fence - from that of someone with dementia. I used to be a newshound, very politically active. I was totally shocked a couple of weeks ago to learn that Hillary Clinton is Secretary of State now and has been for awhile. Do I feel bad that I didn't know that? No. Looking back on the days when news and politics were so important to me, the days when I lived a "normal" life, I realize now how high my stress level was all the time.
Sure given my druthers, I would prefer something other than a dementia diagnosis as a way to have slowed my life down but the point I am trying to make is that while you are seeing your husband's loss of interest in things that used to matter to him as something to mourn (and I don't mean to criticize you for doing so) from the other side of the fence, it is not necessarily such a bad thing - yes, the dementia certainly takes some things from us but as it slows down our life, it brings us a peace too. There are always compensations. I am hoping this comment can give you a little perspective to find reason to see what is happening to your husband in a little bit of a different light - that there is good mixed in with the pain too.
Blessings to you.
Deloras...As my dad's last days or maybe weeks or maybe months because of lung cance my mantra is "It is an honor and a privilege to take care of my dad"...it helps me always...may you find peace in the caretaking...I want to be the best daughter I can be as you are being the best wife!
Dolores, I doubt there is much chance of us ever having grands:( But I know God has a plan so I just go with the flow. It WOULD be great for bikes!
Dolores,
I have just been catching up on your blog posts. I have been away for awhile but am now back to blogland.
Oh, how I have enjoyed reading your posts. I have smiled and cried as I read your life's story. I cannot imagine the terrific blessing and yet the awful sadness you must feel at times. What I can identify with, though, is the wonderful faith that sees you through it all with so much grace and beauty.
You bless me so, my friend. Know that you are in my prayers and that I treasure the thoughts you share. I never fail to be uplifted by your words.
Blessings to you today.
In Grace,
Marie
The true sadness and tragedy of this is the mourning of him, his "essence", even while he is still present in body. That Alzheimers is a thief of the worst kind. I am so sorry for your loss, and David's.
I pray for you both.
Hi AD,
In Shreveport...will be back late Wed. Tried to send another e-mail but it came back again. Maybe n ur spam or something??
Love you! L~
You just put into words so beautifully how Alzheimer's makes the spouse feel.
I went to an art museum the other day. After a week of my husband telling me he wants a divorce, I had to give myself a treat. He has FTD and says terrible things. He often tells me he wants a divorce when I ask him to go to the doctor. I truly believe that on some level he thinks that if he divorces me, the problem will go away.
While in the art museum I saw an amazing exhibit. It made me want to see an exhibit of artwork and photography to help wrap my arms around this disease. Art helps me to understand things on a different level.
Someone in my support groups said that they didn't think that this was a disease for the patient, but rather for the loved one.
Karen
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