Careful what you pray for.......

(Casey, Pumpkin and me)

Careful what you pray for.  

Here's the story:    I've been a fairly busy person most of my life.   That changed when I started being a full time caretaker for David;  not that I wasn't busy, but a different type of busy.  I'm so thankful I had the honor/privilege of caring for my sweet David during those 9 years.

Next came AlzCare and for those 9 months..... I was still constantly thinking of him and going to see him, but I wasn't actively involved in things like I had been "before."

 I've been praying for something to do besides my normal activities.   As I've prayed, I've also had this thought go through my mind......."God doesn't choose the qualified, he qualifies the chosen".

Our pastor called me last week to see how I was doing....... and then....... he said, "I've been thinking about you and how organized etc  you are (I'm not too sure about that).  He said, "We need a new pictorial church directory and someone to be 'in charge' and  I thought  of you."    

Oh my goodness!    For most of you this wouldn't be a big deal, but truthfully.... my brain and thought process still feel like mush most of the time.     I thanked him and told him I'd think and pray about it and let him know in a day or two.     

I thought and prayed ....   I kept coming back to the thought that had been running through my mind....I've been praying for 'something' and the thought  about God will qualify me...... was running through my head.    My next thought was to call 3 of my friends and see if they'd help me  (if they said, "no", then I wouldn't do it).   By golly, would you believe all three of them said yes with no hesitation.     My friends are such a great blessing in my life.  

The next 8 weeks will be challenging for me, but I keep reminding myself of my prayer and thoughts.   And......I won't have so much time to think/miss David.

(Andrew and David playing army men)

Our grandson, 12 years old, is starting Confirmation at our church.  He ask me to be his 'Friend in the Faith'...the friend  who tries to guide him through confirmation.  I am honored that he ask me.  (David was the Friend in the Faith for Andrew's older brothers)..

Andrew towers over me in height.... he's the sweetest boy.    David spent so much time playing 'army men' with him when he was 4, 5, and 6 years old....what a blessing!  

(here he is with my best friend's daughter whose also going through confirmation, two REALLY good kids!)

God is Good!!

A New Year.

Christmas decorations are sorted, some thrown away,  a lot of them donated, and the ones left are packed away..

New Years eve was uneventful.   I was in bed by 10:30.

I try to stay busy.....and most of the time I'm doing well.   I'm learning and adjusting to my new life.   I will never forget how blessed I've been to spend 49 years of my life with the 'love of my life'.

I try to read these 45 'life lessons'  frequently.  They were written by a lady 90 years old .   They make me think, touch my heart and make me try to be a better person!

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.

2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.

3. Life is too short – enjoy it.

4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and
family will. 

5. Pay off your credit cards every month.

6. You don't have to win every argument. Stay true to yourself.

7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.

8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.

9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.

10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.

11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.

12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.

13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.

15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye But don't worry; God never blinks.

16.. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.

17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful. Clutter weighs you down in many ways.

18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.

19. It's never too late to be happy. But it’s all up to you and no one else.

20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.

21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.

22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.

23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.

24. The most important sex organ is the brain.

25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.

26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?'

27. Always choose life.

28. Forgive but don’t forget. 

29. What other people think of you is none of your business. 

30. Time heals almost everything. Give time..... time.

31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

33. Believe in miracles.

34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.

35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.

36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.

37. Your children get only one childhood.

38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.

39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.

40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.

41. Envy is a waste of time. Accept what you already have not what you need.

42. The best is yet to come...

43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

44. Yield.

45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift."

I was deleting 'stuff' from my cell phone.... and a surprise picture of David was there......lucky me...!!!

GOD is GOOD!!!

MEMORIES - MEMORIES

(The man of my dreams.....I've been blessed)

 

Thanksgiving and Christmas with family and friends has been  a blessing for me.   Oh yes, I've missed David!!!  However, looking back,   last Christmas was a lot more difficult than this year.

October, November and December of last year David changed considerably.   He didn't recognize anyone, he was more agitated and hard for me to take care of.    His  body was big and strong which made it even more difficult for me.

David was 'officially'  dagnosed with Alzheimer's October 2005.   Two months later on Christmas day 2005, David called our family together and instructed them to promise him they would see to it  that I would have him placed in a home when he became hard for me to take care of.   They promised.......and I cried and cried.

Last December, with the urging of family and friends, I found Alz-Care and started taking him there for a couple of hours once a week.

I set the date of January 2, 2012 as the date of moving him there.

The month of December last year was the saddest time of my life!    I knew I'd be taking him to Alz-Care and I felt so guilty, sad.....you name it, I felt it.   Our children and friends were reminding me, "we made a promise to Po-Pe"  ..    The promise was so typical of  David.   He would always think of someone else other than himself.

My best friend went with me on January 2nd.   David wasn't really aware of  anything, other than being offered a cup of coffee when we arrived.  He lived there 9 months and 3 days and lived with Alzheimer's anywhere from 9 to 10 years.

 

Through our journey of moving forward with Alzheimer's we've been blessed to be surrounded with loving, supportive and caring people, which made our journey so much easier.  

To each of you who thought of us and prayed for us....I truly felt it.   Thank you!!!!

GOD is GOOD!!

 

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!

 

I HAVEN'T CRIED this WEEK!!

    (December 2010)

Last week I put a link to my blog on Face Book like I usually do and one of my friends  commented on that particular blog post about 'first.'  She said, ......." These are also David's FIRSTs....only his are FIRST Thanksgiving, First Christmas in the presence of Christ and He knows your loss and sends you comfort through your friends. Just imagine David's First Easter with Jesus!!!!!"

(December 1964 our son's 1st birthday)
I've been so wrapped up in my own  emotions and

feelings of  sadness... and doing the pity party for myself that I've been missing out on thinking about David's joy.   Thank you Cindi!!!

A few days later I received a comment on my blog from Karen http://karenharveycox.blogspot.com/ saying,  "Perhaps David helped escort the little children in heaven when they arrived last week.  When the angels sang to greet the little guests, I suspect your beautiful husband was standing there clapping to the music as you always wrote about in your posts."

(sweet love)
This week I've thought about David's happiness, clapping his hands, singing and greeting the little children.....and I haven't cried.

Today is our son's 49th birthday. We went to dinner together tonight....and I am blessed.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JEFF...!!!

GOD IS GOOD!!

THE 'FIRST'

Our (my) home is clean, Christmas music playing, soft Christmas lights glowing, a glass of Chardonnay and I'm feeling very melancholy. 

A neighbor is having an Open House tonight.  Sometimes I'd rather sit home and be sad, but I'm going and I'll smile, talk and have a nice time....by golly!

I'll be so glad when I stop counting and thinking .... 'this time 10 weeks ago tomorrow David died' ...etc etc .   I have a habit of  looking back on my blog to see what was happening this time last year.     All the 'firsts' are hard, but thankfully I do know that it will get better. 

 

  God is good and time is a great healer.  I'll never stop loving/thinking of David.   I do know the first year is the hardest in dealing with  all the 'firsts'.   David was   my love/hero/inspiration....and of course I'm thinking of him right now.

For 49 years I've signed birthday cards and Christmas cards 'David and Dolores'........It took me by surprise how sad it was to sign 'Dolores'.... Life goes on through the sadness .... and that's good.

Yesterday I had two separate incidents back to back.  The first one, someone ask how David was doing and I had to say he died October 5th.   Right after that I ran into someone who knew he had died;   she gave me a big hug.   Both incidents so different and yet.....people are so good....so loving and caring. 

I've said this so many times and I'll say it again and again....I'm blessed!!!    I know that God is always with me, my family, friends, church and animals lift me up each time I need 'lifting.'

Through the tears.... there's so much good~!!!

It's been awhile since I've posted.     I've missed reading and responding to each of you.   Please know how much I thank God for each of my friends!!!

My computer started crashing with the 'big blue screen'...  which I've grown to dread.   Each time I'd try to do something my computer would crash.    I finally hung up the towel and decided to buy a new computer.   

I bought an 'All in One'.   The printer has one cord, the computer  one cord..... the speakers and Skype are built into the computer.     Oh my gosh, it's wonderful!!!!   It's been a bit stressful getting everything switched over , but I'm so thankful for a wonderful/talented/smart..... computer  friend.   
I'm up and running again!


I downloaded my I-Tunes music to the new computer.....beautiful sound!    I started looking at 'my pictures'  on the new computer.    Of course I was looking at pictures of my sweet David,  they're bigger and brighter.    Of course I started crying.......and then the door bell rang.   

I'm so blessed to live in my neighborhood!     I go to the door with mascara running down my face and here's my sweet neighbor with a gorgeous Poinsettia for me. 

I had a couple of pictures to post, but I haven't figured that out YET.....next time.  

I AM BLESSED!!!
GOD IS GOOD!!!!

............THANKSGIVING BLESSINGS..............

When I feel sad with the holidays approaching,  I stop and remember the last months of David's life and I praise God that he is now free of Alzheimer's.  

I'm glad I took  pictures at the end of David's life.  I look at those pictures and ......it's a grim reminder to me how sick he was.   

 

Last Thanksgiving  he was changing rapidly, not wanting to join with the family.   He was more comfortable in his music room by himself.

 

As Thanksgiving and Christmas approach I'm thanking God for so many blessings in my life!!

 

Thanking God for freedom and our country!!

 

Thanking God that I lived with my hero and the man of my dreams for so many years.

 Thanking God for my family!!

our son and family

our daughter and family

first grandchild

 Thanking God for my friends!!

 Thanking God for good health!!

 

Thanking God for my church family!!

 

Thanking God for my sweet pets, my home, my car, my neighborhood.

 

Thanking God that our daughter was here with three of her children over the weekend.

 

Thanking God our son and his family will be here on Thanksgiving.

Thanking God for all of my friends I've met through my blog.

I wish each of you a very peaceful, joyful and delicious Thanksgiving!!!

God is good!!    

......CONTINUING ON and LOOKING BACK......

Sunday was All Saint's Day at our church.   My emotions took me by surprise;  I thought I'd cried most of my tears.    Actually I did okay, but I had a hard time stopping the tears once they started. 

I looked at David's name in the bulletin  and my sweet friend Jay's name right above his name.   Hearing the names spoken and the lighting of the candles for each person who died this year made it real again.     My  best friend was sitting next to me; her daughter, Jillian  was one of the acolytes.   Jillian lit David's candle which made it very special.

 

A special, but sad day.... a real day!  I KNOW with the holidays coming there will be a lot of  days when I know David's death is real.

 

However, I'm thankful that I took pictures of him at the end of his life.    I DON'T want him to be like he was........Oh yes, I'd love that he NEVER had Alzheimer's, but he did and life goes on.

I should stop..... but here goes.    I wanted/needed to look back and see what was happening this time last year.    

This is my post for November of last year.

 

BLESSINGS of ANIMALS & MUSIC

I've thought ........... a kitten would be fun to have in the house ..............(silly me!)

Our next door neighbor is an animal activist in our community. She and others have been instrumental in improving our City Pound.

She called me from the City Pound last week to tell me of a tearful elderly couple and their kitty. It seems the man was recovering from a stroke, and they were afraid the cat would trip him. They also have space heaters and they were afraid the cat would cause a fire.

We don't have a kitten, but we are now the proud owners of a one year old neutered kitty; better for us than a kitten (I also discovered he's been de-clawed). I've named him Punkin.

Punkin is very affectionate, and jumps on David's lap for some rubbing, and David loves it!!

I feel extremely blessed that David loves animals as much as I do.

David is doing remarkably well. He continues listening to his music, clapping his hands, with his faithful companion by his side.

One day at a time ... this is enough. Do not look back and grieve over the past, for it is gone; and do not be troubled about the future, for it has not yet come. Live in the present, and make it so beautiful that it will be worth remembering.

Ida Scott Taylor

 

As I read and re-read this comment by Ida Scott Taylor, I marvel at how appropriate it is right now....

 

God is Good!!

 

P.S

My sweet kitty and dog are such a blessing to me..

 

...................ME, MOVING FORWARD...............

My sweet David has moved forward to his great reward....and...  I'm truly so happy for him!!!     However,  as I'm moving forward .... I'm missing the David without Alzheimer's and the David that I'd become accustomed to that had Alzheimer's.       

Notice my new blog title....."Me, moving forward"......  I'm working on moving forward, but I know it will be a process.....and I'm actually doing well most of the time. 

I'm remembering when my mother and brother died, each week there was a count down of thinking," this time last week".    I'm going through this process in my mind right now.   Today is 'four' weeks!!    Time is such a mystery.    It feels like it was yesterday and then..... it feels like so long ago that I saw him last.

I have so much to be thankful for....... family, friends, my church, my three faithful animal companions,  a home ...... and most of all..... I know that God will always be here with me..... Wow!    I am blessed!

I'm so thankful for the sweet pictures of David loving his children...... he was such a good dad!!

GOD IS GOOD!!

..........................REMINISCING...............

I'm reminiscing. 
I'm trying to flood my brain with pictures of David before Alzheimer's entered our lives.       I feel so much better when I look at pictures!!!!

After David died my precious niece posted this picture of David on Face Book .   The picture was taken after her wedding in 1998.      What a blessing it is for me when I look at my beloved David in this picture!

 David was blessed to walk three beautiful women down the aisle, and to have a final dance with his granddaughter, Francie.

              David and our daughter, Karen - 1987.  

                   David and our niece, Laura..... 1998.

            David and our best friend, Nelwyn - 2000.

David and our granddaughter, Francie 2011.

Looking at pictures and remembering the good times is so very healing.   Thank you for indulging me!!!

God is good!!

LIFE GOES ON.....

  It seems like life should stand still because David is gone.   Life goes on...... I can't believe that my sweet David is now in heaven.    

Alzheimer's is such a wicked and cruel disease.  I was remembering today the little 'deaths' along the way as we moved forward with Alzheimer's.    Now don't get me wrong, there were many, many sweet, precious and funny times along this journey and I've shared a lot of them with you. 

Little deaths may sound strange, but for me each time David lost an ability .....it felt like a small death.   I quickly learned when he lost an ability it was gone, no turning back......gone forever.

Here's a few of the little deaths:

Worrying and not know what was wrong, then hearing the probable diagnosis.    

Going to the Alzheimer's Disease Center  - Baylor College of Medicine in Houston and hearing the diagnosis again, only to find out he was in the mid stage rather than the early stage like I thought.

Watching him lose his confidence.

Not driving..

I paid the bills, but he was the one who understood and handled all the IRS 'stuff'...

Not being able to order from a menu or make any decisions.

When he stopped reading, writing and watching TV.

When he didn't remember friends, family and me.....

Okay, enough of this sad stuff. 

Last Thursday, Friday and Saturday our best friends invited (insisted) that I go with them to the beach at Port Aransas (our families favorite vacation spot).

 Our best friends have a daughter almost the same

 age as three of my granddaughters, they were invited to go also.

The weather was perfect, our condo was perfect, the friendship....always perfect.    It was fun watching the four girls laugh and have fun.    

I cried and I missed David being there, but being with people I love and who love me.....was such a blessing.   

Me, surrounded by love.
GOD IS GOOD!  

A CELEBRATION of DAVID'S LIFE

I wish I could give each  of you a big hug and a personal thank you for your prayers, thoughts and  love during this time of new beginnings for David and me.   You have helped me to not feel so alone and you have honored David .....thank you!!

For 8 days we knew that David was dying and we prayed for his release from the bondage of Alzheimer's,  but it was still so hard for us to let him go..... 

David died on a Friday, October 5th and  Sunday October 7th at 2:00 we had his Memorial Service at our church.
The service was perfect in every way!!!!        
I could feel David's sweet and  humble spirit not believing how many people attended this awesome  service and celebration of his life.

Our best friends gave the Eulogy. Their memories made us laugh and cry....wonderful  memories from their hearts to ours.   It's so wonderful to have friends who love David so much............!!!    What a blessing!!!

A friend from choir sang 'Beyond the Rain' .....  I know David was smiling as he heard Tom sing and play the guitar,  it was so beautiful !!!  

The choir sang 'I'll Fly Away'  .... as I looked at the choir and saw so many of his friends  with tears in their eyes...... it warmed my heart.

Our pastor gave a wonderful sermon titled 'Known by the Company we Keep'.....we were touched,  as we laughed and cried.

The congregation sang 'A Mighty Fortress is our God'......David's favorite song.    

There are moments when I'm 'good to go' and then there are times when I  cry.    I know this is normal, but  right now David's death doesn't feel real.                                                One day at a time.

                                           GOD IS GOOD!

DAVID is SINGING with the ANGELS

POEM of LIFE

(Author unknown)

Life is but a stopping place,

A pause in what's to be,

A resting place along the road,

To sweet eternity.

We all have different journeys,

Different paths along the way.

We all were meant to learn some things,

But never meant to stay..



Our destination is a place,
Far greater than we know.
For some the journey's quicker,
For some the journey's slow.

And when the journey finally ends, 
We'll claim a great reward,
And find an everlasting peace,
Together with the Lord.

My sweet David, the best husband, father, grandfather (Pope)  and friend has gone to walk with Jesus,  sing with the angels and reunite with his mother, dad, sister, my brother and mother. 

I will miss him so much!!!

I praise God that my sweet David is whole again..... no more Alzheimer's!!!!! 

I thank God for this wonderful man in my life for 49 years.....I AM BLESSED!!

GOD IS GOOD!! 

CONTINUED PRAYERS, PLEASE

David is in a coma, no food or water since Wednesday evening last week.  He's nearing the end of his journey here on earth.   He's moving forward to Paradise.

I'm overwhelmed and honored by family,  friends and blog friends . Your love and encouragement are lifting me up and helping to sustain me through the darkest time in my life.                            Thank you!!!

                                               GOD IS GOOD.....                      

(AUSTRIA)

Prayers

My sweet David is nearing the end of his journey here on earth.   My heart is breaking, but I also celebrate that he's getting closer to paradise.....no more alzheimer's.....he'll be reunited with his mother, dad, sister and my mother and brother..    I thank God for HIS promise ........
If you're a praying person, please pray for us...I thank you!!!

Sometimes it's so hard to find a 'title".....

What would I do without my friends?????    Thank you so much for your comments on my blog and FaceBook!     I can't begin to express to you how much your thoughts/advice/prayers  mean to me.   Believe me, I read them more than once.   From me to you: ..... thank you from the bottom, top and middle of my heart!!!

For me, some days are good and some days are so sad when I visit David.   Yesterday was a sad day!   I came home crying and feeling so sad for David.  

When he's sleeping ...I don't feel so sad, but when his big blue eyes are open and staring, it really does a number on me.

(this is when I need a glass of wine and sit on the deck and look at the beach... so many good memories for us at Port Aransas)

  I returned home from visiting David and I had a phone call (a prayer request),   A wonderful young woman, a member of our church,  in her 50's, has been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer.      If you're a praying person, please pray for Meg...... God will know who she is......

I must say that my sadness transferred from David and me to  Meg.....David and I are older, we've had a good life...... 

 (David teaching our granddaughter, Francie,  ...how to dance.)

David had two pair of boots that he loved!!!   I ask  our children, grandchildren and best friends if they wanted them (they weren't the right size for anyone) but .... our first granddaughter, Francie... said, "yes"... they don't fit she or her husband, but she will use them as a decoration in their new home.    This makes me smile, and I'm sure her Pope is smiling too!

(Our precious granddaughter, Laura.... she reads my blog and comments.... thank you my precious granddaughter, I love you!"

God is good!!